March 26, 2005

testing # 2

testing again

I think I finally figured it out

I think I finally figured out why I can't see the changes to my blog until days later...I am going to test this to see if I have it figured out...

Here goes nothing...

March 22, 2005

Testing

Testing

March 10, 2005

I am Tired...

For all of my life I have wanted only one thing...to be married and to have children. I don't care about being a corporate muckity muck, I am not trying to be a woman libber and be like a man...I want the good old fashion stay-a- home-and-take-care-of-the-children-life. I am creative and crafty and would love to have a family to take care of, to send them off for their day and then retreat into my home studio to create all sorts of beautiful textile art, that I would then sell online...

But instead, as I approach 40, I look back on a series of failed relationships and mishaps that all add up to me being in the position I am currently in...manless, jobless(self employed) virutally homeless and feeling like there really is no point.

I look around me and see all the unscrupulous, backstabbing treachery...the people who do wrong and are rewarded and I can't help but wonder if all that I was taught about being good and doing good,... if it wasn't just a crock of bull-oney.

I was heavily in the church for 10 years..believing in Christ and all that....what is the point exactly if we don't get a leg up in this world for believeing?

I am tired of trying...tired of hoping, wishing and praying...the end can come and that would be fine with me...I am not wishing for an early departure from this world but if it came I would not complain.

If only someone in my early life had said that I was great or special....with my temperment...that would've made all the difference in the world....I have always felt displaced..like I don't belong...like and orphan child looking for someone to adopt me...even now, I wish someone would want to take me in....not in the home physically, but say to me that they think that I am great human being and would I like to join their family. I do have my own family of origin, but I don't feel like I belong there...I think that my parents wish they had brought someone else home from the hospital that day...

These things have plauged me...deep inside...all of my life.

I have self confidence and self esteem...that isn't the issue.. I have worked in middle income America and had the car, the apartment, the vacations..blah blah

This is something else...a feeling of floating and not having a home, a place where I belong and from where no one can reject me or decide that they don't want me around anymore.

Marriage is not the answer in and of itself. I just know that that is what I wanted for my adult life...I wasn't interested in runing around living a Sex In The City life....

Today I was made to feel unwelcome at a friend's mother's house, where I often go to visit(my friend lives with his parents)...I didn't even realize it but I had started thinking of myself as part of the family and to feel as though my presence were an intrusion, really kind of slapped me in the face that I was just a "visitor" and not an adopted member of the family..( I have known them for years and play with the kids all the time). My friend says that it is just my imagination but he doesn't understand how territorial his mother is about HER grandchildren and is jealous of how much they like to play with me...

I don't understand...I always respect her and never horn in on her interaction with the grandkids if I happen to be there. I can't even see why it is an issue.

My friend's parents have another house that I am renting...and now I have an ache in my chest thinking that what if the mother wants me out?

I made so many foolish decisions in my life....I wish I could start over.


I don't belong anywhere...

I am an orphan child...

I am trying out some Technorati tags ..


January 17, 2005

First Post

Finally got my act together so I can start blogging. This should be fun...unlimited space to ramble and a world wide audience..what could be better? HAHHA!!